Are you grinding or polishing?

"You know, we really are perfect for eachother."
"Yes we are."

It was midnight, I had just gotten our 5 month old son to sleep. My husband and I were lying in bed where he was entertaining my desire to talk despite his desire to sleep. That's usually when we do most of our real talking. Not the "Where are the wipes??" and "What do you want for lunch?" kind of talking, but quality conversation that reminds us we have more in common than the mess-making minions we cohabitate with.

"No, but not just because we're in love," I said "because we bring out the worst in eachother."

"What??" I had his attention.

"Well, each of our short comings are the other's strengths. We seem to bring out the parts of each other's personalities that need to be worked on. We're constantly giving one another opportunites to grow by causing us to have to work on our immaturities and short comings...we are polishing each other into better people."

"Yeah..." he said thoughtfully, "Sometimes I think we grind more than we polish."

No marriage is perfect. Its very rare you find a couple who had never been in a fight. Its even more rare to find one that never argues or disagrees at some point. It's natural to do because we're individuals with different thoughts and feelings. And let's face it, men and women are on completely different planets when it comes to thought processes. So, there are going to be times in your marriage when you are going to disagree.

The question is: Are those moments being used to polish or grind?

Women, think for a moment about something your husband/boyfriend/fiance does that drives you absolutely crazy. Now think about how you react when he does that.

When we react angrily and negatively to situations where our spouse is displaying their not so positive qualities, we are "grinding" on them and our relationship with them. Instead of saying "I understand you're a human who isn't perfect and I accept you for your flaws, lets work on this" you're saying "You can't do anything right, why do you always do this? I'm right, you're wrong!" when almost always, none of that is true.

But that is how we make eachother feel when, in an argument, we are prideful and only think of ourselves.

As a couple, our job is to build eachother up. To be using the situations where we disagree or perhaps are displaying our shortcomings to help polish eachother as individuals and as a unified force for good. When we respond to eachother with patience and understanding and then look at ourselves and accept the existence our own flaws then we can truly begin to polish and stop grinding.

Because just like there was at least one (or probably more) things you could think of that drives you crazy about your spouse, I guarantee he or she has a few of those about you. We need to be willing to let go of our pride and accept that the weaker areas of our relationships are most likely 50% our fault as well. We have to be willing to step back and not always be right. We need to be polishing ourselves into more understanding individuals who value the feelings of our spouse more than our own.

When you care about someone else more than you do yourself, that is true love.

So...what are you going to do next time you get in an arguement?

Grind or polish?

It's going to be okay, and we UNDERSTAND.

I was in church a few weeks ago, sitting next to another family with small children. The young mother of this family had her son on her lap, and he appeared to be about 3 or 4. He was being rowdy, talking loud, swinging around in her arms and trying to get down. If she let him down he would try to run off, so up again in her lap he went. This caused more noisy protests. She offered a book and this appeased him, but it was short lived and he was quickly back to trying to escape.

You could see the embarrassment on her face...the longing in her eyes that he would just behave. You could see her trying to listen, trying to get something out of the talk being given. You could almost hear her wondering if it was even worth it to come to church.
I understood completely because that is Kaiden every Sunday. The embarrassment is real. You think people expect your child to be quiet and sit perfectly still. And some do...but those are they who do not have children, do not interact with them EVER, and do not want any of their own.

Most people are understanding. They know a child is not meant to sit still and be quiet.
I wanted to tell her that. I wanted to tell her we understood, and that we were happy she was there.
Then he headbutted her right in her nose.
I saw her holding her face with her eyes shut, in obvious pain and dealing with the internal struggle to NOT get mad.
Seeing what he had just done, the child instantly felt remorseful and loudly began to say "Sowwy! Kiss it!" and aggressively tried to wrap his arms around her head and "kiss better" her now possibly broken nose.

He loved his mother, and he didn't mean to hurt her. At no point in the whole situation was he ever trying to misbehave. He was being a little boy who was bored and didn't want to be where he was.
Just like a child who falls to the ground in the grocery store because he's tired of walking and he can't eat any of the yummy food he sees. And the child who gives the appearance of being kidnapped as he kicks and screams because he doesn't want to get in the car to leave the park and go home.

Just like ALL of our children old enough to express personality have behaved at one point or another.

Do not worry about the crabby, immaculately dressed woman who makes the aside comment loud enough to hear that if she had children they would never behave that way. There's a reason she doesn't have them.

We understand. We've been there and we know.

You are doing the hardest, most important job in the world. Keep your chin up, because someday this will all be over, and you are going to look back and wonder where on earth the time went.

But for now, please know that you'll get through this and it is going to be OKAY :)

Whoever Said Patience is a Virtue Did Not Have a 3 year old

I am not a very patient person.
I am, in fact, quite the opposite of patient.
I look up movies on IMBD before seeing them because we're poor and I can't wait for them to come to Redbox.
I eat food when it's still too hot.
I can rarely keep presents from my son for Christmas's or birthdays, causing me to have to go buy MORE right before his birthday.
As a teenager, I would change into the new clothes I had just bought at the mall instead of taking them home first.

There are many other examples I could give you, but I feel like that paints enough of a picture for you to understand my impatience.

So, unfortunately, my lack of this virtue tends to work it's way into my parenting style. This has caused me to easily loose my temper resulting in yelling and sometimes spanking my son to do what I thought was teaching him how to properly behave.

And that works...if you want your child to be afraid of you.

But it's not the approach to take if you want your child to respect you and do what you ask because they know it's the right thing to do and because they know WHY it's the right thing to do.

So, story time.

My husband, my son and I were at dinner. I don't remember what Kaiden was doing, but it was his usual acting out of some sort and it had been repetitive. So for whatever reason, I popped him on the mouth and very sternly told him not to do whatever it was he was doing (something to do with his mouth as I try to make punishments fit the crime).
My husbands eyes grew wide and he asked startled "Do you always hit him??"
I immediately became defensive, "I didn't hit him. I just popped his mouth, I would never hit him."

But I had.

And it didn't show Kaiden that I loved him and that I understood he was a child who isn't going to behave all the time.

It showed him that if he does something he isn't supposed to, I'm not going to calmly try to teach him what he should do instead and help him understand why he shouldn't do that particular action, but that I am going to hurt him.
Either physically with spankings and "poppings" or emotionally by yelling.
I would never reach over and smack Jake on the mouth if he said something I didn't like, so why on earth was I doing this with my son?

Because it was so much easier than being patient. It was easier than being understanding, holding my breath to calm down, and addressing the situation in a way that may take much more work to get the desired result of obedience.

So back to the dinner table, a slightly heated discussion about how to discipline our children ensued. I felt I was not wrong in my approach. I wasn't beating Kaiden. He was perfectly fine and now he knew not to do what he did.

But Jake had a much wiser approach then I would ever expect from a 21 year old father, but then he's always been much older and wiser than he actually is. He has always been the one to keep me grounded and help me see how to handle things in better ways.

He told me he thought that we should give Kaiden excessive amounts of positive reinforcement to encourage him to do the things we want him to do and later we can combine that with reasoning with him (when he's at the appropriate age level to do so). Yelling and spanking would get us no where. He will only continue to be upset and it wont stop the undesired behavior. We need to show love and patience and redirect the negative action into a positive one.

I threw my hands in the air and said "Fine. Be my guest." And the next thing I said is crucial as to why what I was doing wasn't working: "I don't have the patience"

So later that night before bed, Jake asked Kaiden to help him clean his toys. Kaiden did what he always does: he dropped to the ground and wailed and proceeded to kick whatever was closest to him.
Now here is where I would have raised my voice and yelled "Get up and put your toys away NOW!" and possibly yanked him over to his toys.

Jake stayed calm, helped Kaiden sit up, and started to put toys away again asking him to put his toys away. Kaiden angrily threw one car into the bucket as if to say "I'm going to do this, but you're not going to like how I do it!"
Jake immediately praised him like crazy.
Kaiden smiled and threw another car in.
Jake praised him some more.
With in seconds Kaiden was cleaning up his cars, no crying, no fits.

I was instantly humbled. I knew I was wrong, and that this is what I should have been doing all along.

I can't say that I'm perfect, I still slip up and lose my temper and raise my voice occasionally. BUT I'm trying very hard to always respond to Kaiden with love and patience.

Because he's just a child who is learning how to be his own little person and he needs my love as he figures that out, not my wrath.

So now, instead of yelling, I take a deep breath, bite my tongue, and force through the much more difficult patient approach in hopes that some day it will not be so difficult and it will be as easy to respond with love and tolerance as it is for me to respond with anger and frustration.

I'll let you know how it goes :)

And then 3 became 4

The story of Brantley's birth is far less eventful then Kaiden's. Still beautiful and wonderful, just less dramatic.

You see, after the terrifying ordeal of giving birth to a 9 lb baby with out an epidural, being induced, and having an episotomy, I decided that this time I was absolutely having an epidural. I was not feeling an ounce of pain besides getting an IV and having the epidural placed in my back.
We opted to have me induced again. Jake was working full time and we couldn't afford for him to miss more than one day of work, so we decided to have me induced on a Thursday (my doctor didn't do inductions on Fridays) so Jake could work only the next day and then have the weekend to spend with the new baby before returning to work on Monday.

This also made it easier because our friend base in Utah was limited and our closest family is California, so having an exact plan for a babysitter for Kaiden was much more settling.

So the morning of June 10th my friend came over to stay the day with Kaiden and Jake and I headed to the hospital. We were taken to our suite which was just as nice as the one I delivered Kaiden in. We lived in Provo, but I chose to deliver in Orem for that reason. It was a small, adorable women's center connected to the quaint little Orem Community Hospital

I was given my IV in my forearm, started on low petocin, and told I was third in line for the anesthesiologist to come give me my epidural. They then said they were going to go ahead and break my water because if they didn't do it now, they would have to wait until the afternoon when my doctor could be there again.

I panicked. Last time breaking my water meant  my contractions got intense, and fast. I asked the nurse if there was ANY way we could wait to break my water until after the anesthesiologist could give me the epidural. I gave a quick recap of my first birthing experience and told her I did not want to ever feel another contraction EVER again. I probably stressed that fact 10 different ways, trying to get the point across that this pregnant chick did not want to feel herself give birth to this baby. She sweetly offered to turn down my petocin until the anesthesiologist could come in. I'm pretty embarrassed at how I reacted, I must have sounded like a spoiled princess.

No, NO pain for her royal highness despite the fact she is pushing a human life from her body through a cavity logic dictates it should not fit through! This matterth not, bringeth forth my drugs peasants!!

So the doctor came and broke my water and miraculously as he was finishing up, the anesthesiologist showed up. I swear the needle was as big as my pinky finger. My stomach churned as a momentarily rethought my decision. Then I remembered the pain of labor and pushed aside my fear of needles, squeezed my eyes shut, held onto Jake and the nurse, and braced myself.
I would find out later that the needle I saw was only the needle to administer the local anesthesia and that the actual needle that went into my spine was MUCH bigger. I probably would have passed out if I had seen it before hand.

It was the strangest feeling not being able to feel my legs. I could move them, I just couldn't feel them. Then they got itchy...oh did they itch!! And my scratching did nothing, because I couldn't feel it. The nurse assured me it was just a rare side effect of the epidural, but told me that there was unfortunately nothing she could do.But I didn't let it bother me. If itching was the trade I had to make to not feel any contractions then so be it.

I also was surprised because I started to feel drugged, just a little. If I'm ever given meds I start to ramble. It's ridiculous. I'm there, in my head thinking "No don't say that! Stop! Just stop talking now...seriously? WHY am I still talking? OMG shut up..." buuuut my mouth doesn't seem to get that message and so I say simple things in the weirdest, longest ways possible. When the nurse picked up on this, she sat me up and told me that I needed to stay up so that the medicine from the epidural stayed down beneath where the line was in my back. Apparently it had been going up as well, instead of just down. She left and I looked at Jake and said "Please tell me to shut up next time!" He just smiled like the smart man that he is and saved himself from saying anything which, as we all know ladies, would have been the wrong thing no matter what he said. So the drugged feeling left and I was back to no excuse for the ridiculous things that come out of my mouth.

So then it was a waiting game. And before I knew it the nurse came in to check how dilated I was and said his head was actually right there, and that his shoulders just needed to come past my pelvis. It was time to push! All I could think was "Already?? That was so easy!"

So in came the doctor, up went my legs, and I began to push. Not even ten minutes of pushing brought our sweet little Brantley into the world at 2:22 pm weighing 8lbs 2 oz and 20 inches long.

He had brown hair! I was thrilled because Kaiden is a carbon copy of my husband. Brown hair meant this child had at least one physical attribute that came from me.

They cleaned him up a bit and put him into Jake's arms. I instantly got very jealous. I wanted to hold the baby I had just carried for 9 months. So I said so. And Jake said no! But before you gasp in surprise and disdain, hear out his argument. He was going to have to go home to be with Kaiden that night and then go to work the next day, all the while I would have Brantley to myself. So, he got to keep holding Brantley for a little while longer.

He did eventually share, and I got to meet my beautiful little son. And it was just as amazing as meeting Kaiden. This was our child. We created this precious little life..

Jake came and sat next to me while I held Brantley. I looked up at him and felt more in love with him then I had ever felt up until that moment. The song "Then" by Brad Paisley came to mind. (If you don't know it, you should. And if you don't like country, well...then what kind of an American are you??). This wonderful man had my heart, and in my arms was this beautiful little life we had created together. I was filled with an immeasurable joy. 

The next day we brought Kaiden to meet Brantley before Jake had to go to work.

Kaiden wanted nothing to do with him.

It was a little saddening to not get the adorable picture of your whole family next to you in the hospital bed, but we knew that if Kaiden needed time we should give it to him. He was losing his spot as the baby, and I suppose for some children that's a harder pill to swallow than it is for others. So Jake took Kaiden home and I did get that time with just me and my new baby boy.

And that is the story of when our little family of three became a family of four.

The day 2 became 3

Thursday, September 9th, 2010 I walked into my doctor's office for my 40 week check up. My due date was the next day, and I was already 4 cm dilated and 80% effaced. 

My doctor looked at me and said "You're still pregnant? We'll schedule you for an induction tomorrow morning."

This being my first baby and not really knowing much about all of this, I complied. I don't resent my doctor for his decision, although looking back I think it may have come from me being so close to going into active labor and he not wanting to deliver over the weekend. 

However, knowing when I was going to have this baby was actually a relief. We lived 30 minutes from the hospital and having never given birth, it was kind of nice to have a plan of action. So he called the hospital and scheduled me for an induction the very next morning at 7 am. I remember leaving the appointment and calling Jake to say "Hey guess what, we're having a baby tomorrow!"

That night we sat and talked about the next day. We were excited, but there was also a sadness. This was, essentially, the death of our time together as just the two of us. We would not get time like this together for a minimum of 18-20 years assuming we only had one child. I wasn't ready to give it up, although I had no choice. The thought of being a mother also terrified me. All of those factors mixed with pregnancy hormones had me crying at dinner and left Jake to try to comfort his crazy wife.

By the next morning, those fears were replaced with excitement and anticipation. This was the day we were going to meet our sweet little boy! We drove to the hospital in a giddy state of nervousness. We checked in and taken to the room. The hospital we delivered at had very nice suites for delivery and you stayed in them through recovery. It felt very peaceful and relaxing.

They stuck the IV in my wrist and asked me if I wanted an epidural. I said "no" and that I wanted to deliver without any drugs. The nurse then looked compassionately concerned and told me to just let her know if I changed my mind as she started my petocin. 

She knew what I didn't know:  that although an induced childbirth was faster, it was far more painful then if your body did things on it's own.

I was about to learn that.

I remember feeling my first contraction. I held my stomach and said aloud "Oh wow, so that's a contraction!" It didn't hurt, it just felt like my entire stomach tensed up. 

Then the next one came only two short minutes later.

And that DID hurt.

"Oh...OH! This hurts!!"

Jake and my mom held my hands and told me to breathe through it.

The contractions came every two minutes, hard and painful for the next hour. Then they came every minute. Then they started to couple together, which means I didn't get that 30 seconds to a minute between two of them. I was breathing in the only Lamaze technique I had taken the time to learn, and it managed to help me through my contractions but I was in the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. 

My sweet nurse asked me if I wanted Stadol (sp?) and I said yes. It made me fall into a light sleep, although I could still feel the pain of the contractions, just not as strong.

I had those horribly painful contractions for 4 hours before I was dilated enough to push. When they told me I was at 10 cm, I was so excited. My body had been telling me for 30 minutes that it was time to push. 

So, then began the pushing. 

I pushed and pushed and pushed for over an hour. I guess Kaiden was content where he was, because he didn't seem to want to come out.
My doctor showed up as Kaiden was crowning. He then took over and made the decision that I needed an episiotomy. I saw him giving the shots of general anesthesia and wondered what he was doing. Jake would later tell me that watching him make the incision would be the most disgusting thing he has ever witnessed.

Even with that episiotomy, Kaiden's head was so big he still needed to be vacuumed out.

And then, at 3:45pm our sweet little Kaiden was born weighing 9 lbs 6 oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. 

He was beautiful, and I fell instantly in love.

I, however was not beautiful. Sure, it's typical for women to look sweaty and tired and have disheveled hair after giving birth...but I looked like a raccoon. You see, I don't like to go anywhere without makeup on. This philosophy would become more laid back with two children, but at the time, I felt I had to wear eyeliner and mascara to go to a hospital full of doctors and nurses who have seen far worse than my face with out makeup. After all, that is the only proper way to welcome a child into the world. NO ONE told me or thought to wipe my eyes when my make up was running. Yeah, better believe Jake is STILL in trouble for that one.

But I have a confession, as they were cleaning him off, I just kept thinking about food. I was STARVING. All of the work to push that kid out and the last thing I had eaten were french toast sticks from Burger King at 6:30 that morning. Jake had cheesecake left over from the lunch they brought him, and I demanded it be put into my hands. I'm pretty sure it only took me 10 seconds to eat it.  I had finished by the time they were done and my new little angel was placed into my arms.

I remember feeling complete awe. This little baby was mine. I was a mom and Jake was a dad. Two kids who had a kid. I snuggled my nose against his soft little cheek and silently promised him we would always do whatever we could to take care of him and make him happy.

And that is how our little Kaiden Marshall came into the world.

Our Beginning

Jake and I usually try to avoid telling the story of how our crazy, wonderful life began.

We're no longer ashamed, however the judgement is something we are over dealing with because we dealt with enough of it in the beginning. So it's easier just to skip the major details and say "we met, we got married, had two kids, and here we are!"

And that's true, however some pretty important components are missing that really give a greater insight to who we are and why we are the way we are.

Jake and I met when I was 17 and he was 16 (I know, I'm robbing the cradle). We were actually on dates with other people. A guy at school had asked me on a date and I begged my friend to come with us and bring a date herself because I didn't know much about this guy and dates like that can be awkward.
She brought Jake, and it turns out we liked each other more than we did our dates. So we became friends who occasionally talked, but he was so attractive I thought he was way out of my league and wasn't interested. Until he asked me to prom.

(Weren't we adorable?)

Then we started dating. Our second date was to see the Pixar movie "Up" We fell hard and fast that summer. I would work, spend the rest of the day at his house, then we would pretend I left and he would go to bed and I would drive down to the bottom of his property and he would sneak out and we would spend the night in a clearing until just before dawn when he would sneak back in and I would go home and go to work. That's how we spent the summer until I moved away for school. Then we would talk every night until I fell asleep on the phone as he sang to me. I eventually dropped out due to monetary issues, and moved back. Then we were inseparable again. I got my old job back and our days continued as they did in the summer, except this time we spent the nights in my car to keep from freezing.
We were crazy about each other and nothing else mattered.
And that's when we got ourselves into trouble that would change our lives.

Our physical relationship escalated and I became pregnant. He was 17 and I was 18.
It was terrifying. I remember driving to his house the night I found out. 5 different pregnancy tests were sitting on the passenger seat next to me, judging me the whole 30 minute drive. I replayed all the different ways I contemplated telling him. I wondered how he would react.
Would he leave me?
Would he want us to put the baby up for adoption?
Should we put the baby up for adoption?
Could we handle being parents?
How would we take care of a baby?
Questions spun around in my brain like they were being tossed into a blender.
He snuck out and met me in my car, and I told him. I don't even remember how I said it. We sat there in silence. He then showed me his true character.
He didn't freak out, he didn't call me a whore and say it wasn't his, he didn't tell me to get an abortion, or tell me we were over and that it was my problem like I have heard happen to so many others.
He told me he loved me, and that everything was going to be okay, that we were in this together, and we would figure out the right decision. Relief doesn't even begin to describe how I felt.

So then we told our parents. Of course, they wanted to know what we planned on doing now.

We knew we loved each other, and that eventually we wanted to get married. And we couldn't stand the thought of adopting out this baby and then eventually starting a family together, knowing our first child wasn't with us simply because we were too selfish to change our lives to take care of it earlier than we had planned.

So we decided to get married. 3 days after Jake turned 18 and three months after we found out I was pregnant, Jake proposed to me with a scavenger hunt of clues leading me to him waiting in my room with a bouquet of my favorite roses.He played the guitar and sang me a song he wrote himself and then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. It obviously wasn't a surprise, but the gesture was beautiful and I loved it.

2 months later, on May 22nd, 2010 Jake and I were married in the rain on his parents farm. It was a beautiful little wedding, with family and close friends to witness the beginning of the rest of our lives together as one.

We would spend the next year and a half living in his parent's basement while he went to the local community college working on his associate's degree. During that time, our son Kaiden would be born and we would begin our adventure as parents.

And that is the story of  how my own domestic life began.